Here we present a humorous hockey
look at life TOONS ON-ICE style!!!
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Has corporate Sports America turned into a silly Marx Brothers routine with fans as the punch line!?! The hockey dictionary defines a real hockey fan as dedicated, loyal, honest, hardworking and credible to their beloved sport. Which is exactly why Bob Goodenow was fired and relocated as a Walmart Store Assistant Manager in Siberia.
Presenting the Top 10 reasons The NHL/NHLPA agreed to a new contract! |
Groucho drum role please...
10. Everyone was tired of playing golf...
9. Homeless hot-dogs were going to sue Oscar Meyer for workers comp...
8. Mom and Pop Hockey Shops were for sale on E-Bay...
7. Gary Betteman’s wife maxed out her Tiffany’s Credit Card...
6. Ice fishing and racing for cold ones became Canada’s favorite sports...
5. The Hockey News was about to start featuring Fan Obituaries...
4. Vladmir Puckoff realized he could live on eight million dollars a year...
3. The Barry Melrose Fan Club was starting to lose their hair goop...
2. They disallowed doughnuts from lock-out meetings...
1. Chico got the axe!!!
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If Refs were shock rock stars would they spit mustard instead of blood on American Idol? Is the 2005 Jurassic Ref Tour traveling deaf, dumb and blind sponsored by White Castle and Hostess Snack Cakes? Do Refs perform anywhere but ice rinks and Six Flags?
Presenting the Top 10 reasons a Hockey Referee could never star on American Idol! ( Or anywhere for that matter ) |
Paula drum role please...
10. They would be disqualified for having a hairy back...
9. They would breathe fire on Simon's Heinz Beans on toast...
8. There are no penalty whistles in Free Bird...
7. They bunny hop on stage if you play Wham..
6. Not even their Mothers would vote for them...
5. They would sing "You Light Up my Life"...
4. The audience would wave eye charts instead of go signs...
3. They fart on the two instead of the four...
2.Their wig would fall off...
1. Didn't they retire ten years ago?!?
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Ever wonder why Hockey Moms make great super hero's? Is Wonder Women the ultimate ice girl? Could you picture mom saving dad from an evil villian concession stand? Coach Dad will tell you there's nothing more super hero than a Hockey Mom fighting the bad guy's before she picks up the kids from school and hits Walmart in her Red, White and Blue bustier and Daisy Duke shorts!
Presenting the Top 10 reasons Wonder Women would make a Super Hockey Mom! |
Super Dad drum role please...
10. She comes from an exotic island of Hockey moms in Toga's...
9. She can use her Golden Truth Lasso on Refs ( and Coach Dad )...
8. Her save percentage in net is lower than Aqua-Man...
7. She can fly through a drive-thru in under 10 seconds flat..
6. Burger King Managers always give her free french fries cuz she has big hooters...
5. She has a built in super hero radar detector to scan for half price shopping sales...
4. Her cell phone doubles as a laser hair and nail dryer...
3. She can twirl in circles and turn into Wonder Mom without spilling coffee on the dog...
2. She TIVO's Desperate Ref Wifes on ABC...
1. The kids dig her invisble mini-van!!!
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"Lights, camera, action!"It's a turd! it's a plane! It's REF KONG! If you saw a giant prehistoric gorilla climbing the Empire State Building with a Referee in his hand, would you call the cops or blame it on the movie Sleepless in Seattle!?!
Presenting the Top 10 reasons to never cast a Ref in King Kong the Movie! |
10. No one would rescue him...
9. Blowing a whistle is not as dramatic as a blonde screaming...
8. The Movie would be rated R ( For Really Retarded )...
7. A giant ape kidnapping a Ref would qualify as a bad porno flick...
6. They're preppy orange scarf would keep tickling the gorilla's hand...
5. It wouldn't be a happy ending unless the Ref dies...
4. Refs can only pretend during hockey games...
3. Ref's can only have Jungle Fever for Barney...
2. It would be a comedy...
1. Ref bananna farts!!!
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"Are you talkin' to me?"The only thing more exciting than visiting New York would be a wild 100 mph cab ride down Broadway while your crazy taxi driver is blowing a whistle for $6 per mile. All Hockey Grannies want to know, would a Ref still be as dangerous if he played Robert Deniro in Taxi Driver? Presenting the Top 10 reasons Refs make bad taxi drivers |
10. They always break for traffic whistles...
9. They're over protective of the ice girls...
8. They run pizza delivery bikes off the road and steal their 12"...
7. Their bald head would blind other divers..
6. They always stop at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts...
5. They blast their Michael Jackson 8 track tape player at stop lights...
4. The cab would always smell like pasta farts...
3. You can't kill a pimp with a Barney Bobblehead...
2.Thier seeing eye dog would drewl on the seat...
1. They only pack a snack!!!
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Let’s face it folks! If there’s a 2004-2005 NHL lock out, I’ll kill my TV before the ice melts!
Presenting our TOP 10 List of fun alternative things we can do if there's a 2004 NHL strike! |
Mr. Comedian Drum Roll Please...
10. Add body-checking to your bowling league...
9. Create a new TV reality show about your dog...
8. Mexicans can use unwanted goal nets for neighborhood pond fishing...
7. Start a hockey league in your retirement home...
6. Organize a campaign to save homeless hot-dogs...
5. Buy a Walmart punching bag...
4. Invent the perfect hamburger...
3. Watch cow racing winter highlights instead...
2. Save your season seat ticket money and buy Disney...
1. Join a rock band!!!
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When a puck hits your eye like a big pumpkin pie, That’sa Hockey! When push comes to shove and Granny droves her gloves, That’sa Hockey! When a check busts the glass, and a Ref falls on his ass, That’sa Hockey! When a puck finds the net like a crackhead in a jet, That’sa Hockey! When the hot-dog mascots fight and the league all goes on strike, That’sa Hockey! Whoa dude, hot-dogs fighting? Who brought the mustard and relish?
We proudly present our Us vs Them Top 10 List of |
Annoying Mascot Drum Role Please...
10. Who’s going to eat all those hot-dogs???
9. When hockey isn’t on you’ll have to explain to your kids “Greed” is a new rock band.
8. Illegal Immigrants will turn Arenas into low income goverment housing communities...
7. Your Playstation 2 will go on strike too...
6. Infomercials will replace instant replays...
5. Ice Girls will become Hooters Girls...
4. Canadians won’t have anything to do...
3. Golf courses will always be full...
2. The fans...
1. Elvis won’t be able to leave the building!!!
Like most Americans, it would more entertaining to see world terrorists hung
by their hockey sticks at half time during Monday Night football! Here
we present a TOP 10 List of things we could do with Saddam Hussein
and Osama Bin Loser during half-time!
Haji Drum Roll Please...
10. Bungee jump them off the empire state building...
9. Duck tape them to a net and let NY Firefighters rip slap shots at them...
8. The Hells Angels drag them across the country on ropes on CNN Live...
7. Desert them on an island with Charles Mansion ( New reality TV show on ABC )...
6. Do a drive by on their camels...
5. Cram a McDonald’s hot apple pie up their asses...
4. Sprinkle Anthrax in their Slurpee’s...
3. Fix them up with my ex-wife...
2. Give them sex changes and send them back to the Taliban...
1. Great White play Baghdad!!!
Is your funny bone tied to your hockey bone??? Is your 9 iron connected to
your TV remote? Can you dig an easy chair? Do you gasp for air just to lace
up your skates? Well...Chances are you might be an “OLD TIMER ON ICE”!!!
Presenting our ON-ICE TOP 10 List: “Hint’s that your too old to play
Hockey”! Max Drum Roll Please...
10. Your Senior Citizens League just cut you from the team...
9. Your kids use your Black Sabbath 8 track tapes for pucks...
8. It take’s you more than 4 hours to put your equipment on...
7. Your hockey equipment bag odors of muscle ointments and heart pills...
6. You can’t bend over to tie your skates...
5. Harry Potter bodychecked you and put you in the hospital...
4. It’s hard to skate backwards wearing adult diaper’s...
3. The ice rink scoreboard makes your hearing aid buzz...
2. Ozzy Osbourne can skate faster than you...
1. Your have blue hair!!!
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Forgive us Father for we have sinned, the last youth tournament my kid slarfed twelve hot-dogs in net! Does communion at your house consist of skating and fighting??? Does your Granny sport a Holy Hockey Stick??? Church Hockey is now in session!!!
Presenting our Top 10 List of Reasons Hockey is a religious experience! |
Mother Mary Drum Roll Please...
10. Playoff OT turns Grandma into a demon ...
9. Hockey communion is pretzel's and beer...
8. The Hockey Bible says it’s OK to steal thy neighbors hot-dog ...
7. Angels skate every Sunday morning mass...
6. Coaches are always experiencing Revelations...
5. The Parish have a goals against average of John 3:13...
4. Satan just got a 10 minute major for spearing...
3. Goalies always pray before every face off...
2. The collection plate just got cross-checked...
1. Jesus saves! Gretzky gets the rebound and scores!!!
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Have you ever gotten a ticket for driving your Zamboni too fast in a school zone?
Did Granny pass go and get tossed in jail for eating too many game hot-dogs? Presenting The Top 10 List Looniest US Laws ON-ICE! |
Johnny Cochran drum role please...
10. In Tennesee, it’s illegal to use your dirty underwear to wash your Zamboni...
9. In Kentucky, it’s illegal to use your dentures as a puck...
8. In Michigan, it’s illegal to throw octopus at men in striped suits...
7. It’s illegal to sleep with your skates on in Tulsa, Oklahoma...
6. It’s against the law to use your whistle under water in Vermont
5. In North Carolina, it’s illegal for a Ref to fight with an old lady...
4. In Alaska, it’s illegal to sleep with a hot-dog...
3. Louisiana law forbids Hockey Referees from sleeping in a Bakery ...
2. In Missouri, It’s illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting in the penalty box...
1. In California, it’s illegal to hunt Ref’s from your car!!!
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What's the secret to the art of a true Ref fart??? Love is the fart, of every Ref heart,
For when held in, does pain the host... But when released, pains goalies most! If Refs remodeled your bathroom, they would install HBO and a popcorn machine! Presenting the Top 10 Reasons to never let a Ref use your bathroom! |
Maid drum role please...
10. They leave dried up zit splatters on the mirror...
9. Ref’s can’t take a bath without their Walmart Barney float...
8. Ref farts will scare your Tidy Bowl man in the morning...
7. Instead of replacing the toilet paper roll they leave Taco Bell napkins...
6. You would trip over Martha Stewart Magazines next to your toilet...
5. Ref’s get hostile if you abuse their Pokeman after shave...
4. Ref’s sing “O’Canada” and “Beat it” in the shower...
3. They use a whistle to blow dry their hair...
2. They pee on the floor...
1. Ref toe jam!!!
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